Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.

Maybe you heard about the man whose credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it, because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

How do most men define marriage?

A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing our wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married.

Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!!"

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, but then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking that they had no faults at all.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer belly, and still think they are beautiful.