What If God Had Voice Mail

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern
life. But you may have wondered What if God decided to install voice mail?
Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following
options:

Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS.
Press 2 for THANKSGIVING.
Press 3 for COMPLAINTS.
Press 4 for HEALING.
Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS.
Press 6 for RAIN.
Press 7 for "MIRACLES."
Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS (good luck, we just guess, too.)
Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY HI.
Press 0 to hear this menu again.

What if God used the familiar excuse..."I'm sorry, all the angels are
helping other SINNERS right now.  Please stay on the line. Your call is
important to us and will be answered in the order it was received."

Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer:

If you would like to speak to Gabriel, Press 11.  For Michael, Press 22. For
a directory of other Archangels, Press 33.

If you'd like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please
Press 55.  And then wait for the beep and then enter the Number of the
Psalm.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 62. Enter his
or her social security number, then press the pound (#) key, then date of
birth, then press the pound (#) key twice. For reservations in one of the
many Mansions, press the letters J-O-H-N then 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth,
where Noah's Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFO's, please
wait until you arrive here, they can only be understood from a "heavenly
perspective."

To reach Lucifer, Press 666, and your call will be automatically
transferred, PLEASE be careful, your receiver may become warm.

Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up
and try tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend.  Please call again on Monday, after
9:30 am, but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time.)

For emergencies refer to your Bible.